Somewhere in New York City, a mad scientist is hard at work creating a glowing green serum that will mutate animals into walking, talking, sentient entities so that the doctor—who feels so terribly, terribly alone—will finally have a family. What could go wrong?

Well, a shadowy military organization, for one. They want the good doctor’s research for a future weapon—how is not exactly clear. Who this organization is, what they do, where they come from, and so on are left either to the diehard TMNT fans to know or future installments to find out. All you need to know at this juncture is that the mutant serum, commonly known as “ooze,” gets kicked down the sewers, drops on four young turtles, and 15 years later, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles break onto the scene.

One of the pluses of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem is that it never takes this stuff seriously or worries too much about the details. It’s world-building at a breakneck pace. At one point, Splinter (voiced by Jackie Chan) recounts the four turtles’ origin with a few shrugs and plenty of gaps. That seems fitting. He’s also a helicopter parent and a shut-in terrified of the world. That’s why he teaches his sons ninjutsu and arms them with ancient Asian weapons. Why? Because humanity will harm them if they are discovered. Makes sense to me.

But, like a lot of teenagers, the turtles are curious. There’s Leonardo (Nicolas Cantu), who tries to be the leader; Donatello (Micah Abbey), a skittish type who doesn’t know how strong he is; Raphael (Brady Noon), battling some anger issues; and Michelangelo (Shamon Brown Jr.), easily the coolest of the four. They cross paths with high school reporter April O’Neal (Ayo Edebiri), who wants to tell their story, and then a mutant fly (Ice Cube) swoops in and tries to eradicate humanity.

Did I gloss over a few things? Sure. If I were younger, I would think Mutant Mayhem is not only a lot of fun but also the best. The plight of the turtles, April, the Dr. Moreauean mutations… I have a sinking suspicion that 12-year-old Michael would love this movie. But I’m not 12, and I find it exhausting. Then again, it’s not for me. Not by a long shot. I’ve watched a lot of family-friendly movies in my day, and I tend to walk away with the impression that half—if not more—of the picture is for the adults in the crowd. Not here. Mutant Mayhem is aimed at the overactive child, the too-cool teen, and the 20-something who doesn’t want to grow up. The adults my age who grew up on Turtles cartoons, action figures, and video games are in for a shock. 

These turtles are manic as hell and probably closer in spirit to the cartoons I grew up with—silly, irreverent, and way too hyper for parents. It doesn’t hurt that the filmmakers cast relatively unknown kids to voice the turtles. It makes them feel, somehow, more authentic.

That seems like a silly word to use in a review about the new Turtles movie, but I stand by it. I also stand by the visuals, which take the recent Spider-Man spins into the multiverse with an animation style that eschews the crisp and clean clarity of a Disney/Pixar movie for something a little murkier, a little more textured. And I stand by the needle drops, ’90s-era hip-hop that are just wonderful. I’m making it sound like I enjoyed this movie. I didn’t. But it’s not made for a childless 40-year-old. I’ll probably skip the next couple of installments (unless my editor or producer tells me otherwise). But I do hope the kids see it and have a lot of fun.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)
Directed by Jeff Rowe, Kyler Spears
Screenplay by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Jeff Rowe, Dan Hernandez, Benji Samit
Based on characters by Peter Laird, Kevin Eastman
Produced by Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen, James Weaver
Starring: Nicolas Cantu, Brady Noon, Micah Abbey, Shamon Brown Jr., Rose Byrne, Ayo Edebiri, Jackie Chan, Ice Cube
Paramount Pictures, Rated PG, Running time 99 minutes, Opens Aug. 2, 2023

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